Death by Sugar

I, like most women, have terrible cravings. For some it’s chocolate, or sex, or a big fat bucket o’ fried chicken. While I crave all of those things like normal women (minus the fried chicken because I like not being a 300 lb mammoth), I am craving a red velvet cupcake. Not just any red velvet cupcake; The best fucking red velvet cupcake on the planet. Lots of frosting and garnished with white chocolate shavings. This cupcake probably causes the kind of orgasms that intern physicists get when listening to an audio loop of Neil Degrasse Tyson breathing.

“You like it when I talk dirty to you, don’t you??”

One of these days I will get that damn cupcake….

The Good, The Bad, and The ComiCon

It’s that time of year for all comic book nerds, D&D advocates, science fiction gurus, and even the anime retards (who always seem to find a way to attend and dominate all nerdy social gatherings) to meet in one place and enjoy panels from legendary people, eat tons of junk food and binge on Mountain Dew: Live Wire, and get an excuse to cosplay in costumes that, on some people, would be considered indecent exposure and would make me want to burn my eyes out with cattle prod dipped in acid just to ease the pain. Yes, ComiCon is back in Phoenix. I usually attend, but I have my own reasoning for not blessing this event with my presence this year. But like indigestion, it will be back soon enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy going to ComiCon and have the fabled “nerdgasms” when given the reason, but perhaps this annual festival is losing it’s magic. Some of the panels are amazing, of course, but some of them are just plain insane. One of them is “Do your own voice over to a Japanese Hentai!”. I’m sorry, what? So let me get this straight….you are going to cram a bunch of mouth-breathing anime nerds in a small room and have them moan into microphones? Scratch that….mouth-breathing MALE anime nerds. I don’t know, maybe one crazy obese women will attend, but I guarantee these men are going for the chance to hear “hot chicks” making sounds they will never hear in real life. The ultimate male anime nerd fantasy. I can’t see this going over well. All of them trying to find a dark corner of the room to whip out “Stubby the Wonder Rod” and wait for the magic to happen. Fuck that noise. You’re better off staying at home and fapping it to internet porn for 3 reasons:

1: You’re alone and not among a sausage fest (unless that’s your thing…)

2: You will actually hear a women in porn moan. You don’t have to wait for one to be gutsy and show up to this event to make sexy sounds for you. (OR you can go out and meet a girl and get laid that way! Magic!)

3: This event is fucking creepy and if you are attending sober, you have some serious issues to work out

I certainly hope this abomination doesn’t reappear at next year’s ComiCon. Hopefully because it will be a complete failure. As for the rest of the things going on this year: Geek Speed Dating, Cosplay 101 (oh please teach them to wear something appropriate to their body mass….), and How to Knit a Jayne Hat (totally want one!), carry on and be free to be nerdy.

Leech Paranoia

People do stupid things every day, be it putting water on a grease fire, trying to jump in the pool through the convenience of the 2nd story balcony, or even letting a woman drive during rush hour traffic. It happens. Or does it? What possesses these people to do stupid things that lead to maiming themselves or others? It occurred to me during a conversation I had today, that perhaps people make stupid decisions because they are being controlled by brain leeches? Think about it; what goes through someone’s mind when they drop their wedding ring down the kitchen sink? “I’ll just dig it out from underneath the soft and cuddly garbage disposal blades of friendship without disabling it”. No! I’ve seen this movie. I know what happens. They should too, but they do it anyway. It has to be mind control. Brain leeches are nothing but trolls who hang out in our minds making us do stupid things. After we lose a limb or die horribly, they return to their base camp for bragging rights then leave to infect another innocent.

Hey girls! Check out my new accessory! It only cost my dignity and self control!

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m fairly certain there are just stupid people out there. After all, 1 in 200 people are direct decedents of Genghis Khan, so we are all a little inbred in a way. Though it is possible that the ones controlling these mind manipulating specimens could be public figures; people with high authority or have the most followers (like the Pope, Justin Bieber, or the Hypnotoad). Religion could just be a form of leech worship. Have you ever heard someone say, “God gave me this path.” or “God came to me and told me to do this.” (<–while committing sodomy with a donkey)? Perhaps “God” could just be code for “Lord Leech”. Or what about former president George Dubbya Bush? He did plenty of things that would merit him the honorary idiot scholarship to short bus camp. And how was he able to stay in office for 8 years? Because other mind control victims were the ones who voted him in? Hm…

I haven’t decoded their language yet so as of right now I am still uncertain of this theory. Though one thing is for sure, people are still going to participate in “planking” on the 7th story rooftop, binge drink on Southern Comfort until their blood looks like Kool-Aid, and watch the prequel Star Wars movies. People are just going to do stupid things, mind controlling leeches or not.

A Theory on Zombies

People often talk of the zombie apocalypse and are often depicted being spread around by the homeless, chimpanzees, and PETA. This is probably still very likely. Though after reading something my friend Ron (aRONymous) posted on his blog, I have developed a theory. A successful zombie virus outbreak would be contracted and spread quicker through children first.  The amount of disgusting forms of bacteria children carry on them at all times could possibly mutate into a cannibalistic brain-swelling disease faster than anything a chimp could produce. Think about it, those sweet little bundles of hell spawn could one day rip your throat out and eat your entrails.

“New flavor of baby food: Mommy’s Hand”

People who own a child should keep them quarantined at all times until the child learns how to sanitize properly and not put their bugger infested fingers on everything I touch.

Sugarcoating is for pussies

Some people really don’t understand that sugarcoating is worse than the blunt truth. When someone asks if they are fat, you don’t want to sugarcoat the truth otherwise they will continue to look like a bloated sea cow and think they look like a young Val Kilmer. And some people like living in their diabetic sugarcoated world. Some people can’t handle the blunt truth and that makes them delusional to the real world. This kind of person would rather hear that tanning outside in an 108 degree inferno is good for your skin rather than hearing that it will turn you into a leather meat sack of skin cancer. But who am I to stop them from becoming human jerky? If someone is stupid enough to disregard reality that is their deal. If they want to go tanning, I say let them fry. It isn’t even worth my time to try and change their mind or convince them otherwise with the blunt truth because it’s human nature to want to ignore the negatives. No one wants to be wrong or know that their lifestyle is a hazard. So let them live in their sugary fantasy land and I will continue to live in my reality of truth.