If you’ve ever been through a Walgreens/CVS checkout line, you have definitely seen a stress ball or stress toy of some kind. They come in all sizes, shapes, and colors and they are meant to rid people of vicious murderous tendencies caused by stress due to being overworked, having a non-existent sex life, or having to look after their kids sober because they ran out of Vodka. While I have seen people take full advantage of the stress ball’s purpose, I am not satisfied with their healing features. In fact, I am more so grossed out by these things. Half of the time they look disgusting and those who actually use them to relieve stress leave their greasy hand residue all over them. Some of them look like a normal smiley face ball or a squishy cartoon animal that you can mutilate without the guilty suicidal aftermath. But these days they either look like alien condoms or puss-filled zit clusters.
How were these things invented? Perhaps some old scientist grew tired of strangling his wife to relieve his stress and created new fun ways to relieve himself of his demons. Or, maybe these are actually alien condoms sent to us from a galaxy far, far away to control Earth’s population? Maybe these space condoms prevent pregnancy on a higher scale. Say it releases a chemical that is caused by friction that can make men sterile for a year. Oh man, hand those out to schools! Just tell them they are flavored or glow in the dark to make their cocks look like a dicksaber. This will totally put an end to those ridiculous 16 and Pregnant tv shows that are all the rage with the youngins these days.
Well played Aliens….well played.