One thing that most people would know about me is that I am no fashionista. I care about fashion like I care about old fat ass politicians. Fashion these days change and mutate like new technology, except new technology is exciting and gets me moist. New fashion is basically old fashion, but now it has a new 21st century twist on it. The old monkey suit is redesigned to look exactly how it did in the 60’s, except now it has about 65% less fabric to show off more skin while maintaining the same colors and look of a bloated decorative squash. Most men wouldn’t consider this to be a problem, but half of the female population sporting this trend are 17 and younger.
Really, I have no eye for fashion. I used to have a phase I like to call my “Tent Phase”. This phase lasted from age 15 until 22. I call it my “Tent Phase” because in the beginning I wore huge goth/rave pants and graduated to oversized mens clothing in the end. Not only did it make me look like I had frog ass, it made me as appealing as butch lesbian with a pronounced mustache. It was all in the name of comfort even if I looked horrible. Though to this day I still dress for comfort. Granted I don’t wear mens clothing anymore, but I’m certainly not going to wear low rise shorty shorts and risk getting arrested for traumatizing people at the grocery store with my dead white legs. But I’ve noticed throughout the years that fashion is getting more and more skimpy. I can only assume that in 20 years it will be acceptable to go outside naked only if your junk is covered with pasties or au natural grown out body fros. Too bad Lady Gaga, I was totally rooting for your telephone hat and meat dress fashion trend to become our nation’s future wardrobe.
What better way to improve the environment by recycling garbage into clothing? Too many black Hefty bags from your murder days? Turn them into stunning evening dresses! Don’t throw out that beer bottle! Smash it and embed the shards into your skin for body bling! Too many heroin needles to throw out? Turn them into stylish new earrings! Wow, maybe I do know a thing or two about fashion after all!